Gone
by Jules43
Summary: Carby Fic from Abby's POV. Post-WNMD to the lyrics of 'Gone' by Nsync


Preview: Alrighty. This is one of my first fan fics so I hope you all enjoy!! The song is "Gone" by Nsync. I was listening to it in the car after watching WNMD and this just popped in my head. Please read and review. It will help me out a lot. Thanks!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the song, lyrics, characters, actors or anything of that nature.  
  
Set-Up: This takes place post-WNMD. Carter has already left for Africa and Abby is alone in her apartment.   
  
Gone  
  
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There's a thousand words that I could say  
  
To make you come home  
  
Seemed so long ago you walked away  
  
And left me alone  
  
I remember what you said to me  
  
You were acting so strange  
  
Maybe I was too blind to see  
  
That you needed a change  
  
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They say hindsight is 20/20.  
  
They also say some things are better left unsaid.  
  
But that was the problem. There was still so much unsaid. Now, looking back on our last talk before he left, if you could call it a talk, I see all the things I could have said. All the things he could have said. Not to mention the fact that he was actually going away to Africa.   
  
Nothing.  
  
Not a single word about it.  
  
I had to bring it up.  
  
Would it have mattered?  
  
If i told him how much I didn't want him to go because I was scared he would get killed?  
  
If I told him that running away from everything here wasn't going to make it better?  
  
Who knows?  
  
I know it's only been a couple days since he left. But I still can't stop thinking about that conversation, what has the potential to be our last conversation. Ever.  
  
"What?" I said as I tried to make eye contact.  
  
"Nothing. Nothing's right here." He said as he started walking away.  
  
"Hey! I haven't seen you in a week, that's it?" Nothing. So I persist. "Luka called me, looking for you, he was under the impression I might know where you were." Still nothing. It was like trying to get blood from a stone. "You're going, right? To Africa?" I said as I noticed his head drop as his eyes now stared down at his shoes.  
  
"It's not Rio, but it's not here."   
  
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Was it something I said?  
  
To make you turn away  
  
To make you walk out and leave me cold  
  
If I could just find a way  
  
To make it so that you were right here  
  
Right now  
  
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Maybe I should have seen this coming. I knew he was hurting. I knew he needed me and wanted me there with him, wherever he was. No matter how many times he denied it or tried to push me away. I should know...I'd done it enough times to him. But why didn't I realize it? Why didn't I do what he'd always done and been stubborn and persistent until I opened up and let him be there for me to lean on? Maybe that's what he needed. He needed for the roles to be reversed. For me to be stubborn. For me to offer a shoulder to lean on. For me to reassure him that everything was going to be ok. That I wasn't going anywhere. That I was going to be a constant in his life.  
  
I didn't say any of those things. Instead, I said the opposite.  
  
I remember all the times I told him that he should run away from me.   
  
Run as fast as he could and never look back, cut his losses.   
  
That's just what he did. He ran. Away from his family, Chicago, the ER.  
  
From me.  
  
Then why does it hurt so badly?  
  
  
  
I mean, if he finally did what I had been telling him to do, then why am I upset? Why do I have this persistent pain in my chest that gets sharper with each beat of my heart?  
  
Because I truly never thought he would walk away. Turn on his heel and head in the other direction. My heart truly aches for him.   
  
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Now I don't wanna make excuses baby  
  
Won't change the fact that you're gone  
  
But if there's something that I could do  
  
Won't you please let me know?  
  
The time is passing so slowly now  
  
Guess that's my life without you  
  
Maybe I could change my everyday  
  
But baby I don't want to  
  
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But just how could he do that to me? He who said that he wasn't going anywhere and who always tried to get me to open up to him and let him calm me down. Sounds like someone needs to practice what they preach. I did everything he asked of me. I left him alone. I gave him some time. Some space. As difficult as it was for me to leave him crying there in that suture room, I did it. Every ounce of my heart was pulling me back in there. Wanting to hold him, hug him, be strong for him. Just as he had done for me. But I didn't.   
  
I couldn't. I had always been the one being comforted. He knew exactly what to do and what to say, without me uttering a word. Now, that face that used to allow me to read its every inner thought was puzzled and confused. Attempting to shut out the world. I couldn't read his mind like I used to. Hell, we weren't even talking like we used to. I didn't know what to do for him. I didn't know how to comfort him. Now, when I wanted nothing more in the world than to take him in my arms and take him to the safe haven he always manage to take me, I couldn't.   
  
Maybe I should get used to this. Maybe he isn't coming back. For me anyways. Maybe it was just too much. I was too much. We were too much.   
  
No. This can't be it. It won't be. I know that I would be able to survive without John Carter in my life. But that's not what I want. I don't want to just survive. I want to live everyday with him like it was our first. I want to wake up next to him, go to sleep next to him, feel him breathing on my neck, feel the protection of his arm draped over my side. I want to wake up in the middle of the night and watch him sleep. Watch a smile cast over his face while he was dreaming, hopefully of me. That's what I wanted.   
  
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Now that we are apart   
  
Am I still in your heart?  
  
Baby why don't you see  
  
That I need you here with me  
  
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All this time I've sat here wondering...is he thinking about me? Is he putting as much thought into this as I am? Will he come back a totally changed person? If he does, will that new person still want me? He needs to know that I want him here, I want this to work, I want this to stick. In fact, we both need to know that. I know that deep down we believe it. How I wish we could talk about this right now, John. But the truth remains, you're gone. 


End file.
